My Brief

that is just.. my final piece for the brief, i liked it quite bit so thought id just post it on here. I chose Red for the main colour, yeah, Symbol of love.. roses.. etc.. thought it'd put a bit Indian culture in it too.

so yeah i made that dress.. you can click on the photo and zoom in to see it bigger.
P.S. she has green eyes.

A piece of my Mind

"If you were about to die and you only had another day, who would you call and what would you say?
... so why are you waiting?"

No, for all those idiots out there, this does not mean your about to die... it just.. it's trying to tell you, that if thats the person you'd call and that is what you would say to them, then death or no death - why havnt you done it yet?

I thought alot about this quote.. and, well if i was going to die soon, id call them 1st because i want to tell them so many things about how i feel and what they mean to me - but maybe i dont want any sort of relationship with them because of how i feel, maybe i just want to talk to them... and let them know they mean the world. is it really so important to be with the person you love?

what if you dont get along or if you dont understand each other. hasnt anyone heard the song 'I hate everything about you'... why do I still love you..
sure, thats exegrating.. not everything and not hate, but yes, alot of differences. maybe you just find yourself always in tears when your with them, but you still love them. take my mom for example - I love her so much.. but she always takes me forgranted and never cares about my feelings... and i dont want to tell her how much she means, because i dont want that relationship. I know she loves me, and i love her - but we have different ways of showing it. which happen to be compleatly opposite...

same with... them.. i love them.. but it just isnt going to be. Which also brings me to the point - HOW can a person possibly go around saying the things they said to the girl they loveD, to every other friend (girl) they know? Isnt that... a bit.. wrong?

All through out today, I just couldnt stop thinking. 1st about Abe.. I sort of just think about him as soon as i wake up in the morning.. its like, oh.. another day ha.. how come i'm still here.. and he isnt.. why do we see tomorrow and he doesnt.. i cant stop myself from thinking about it almost all the time... and like that wasnt enough, i still havnt called AK, to see how he's doing.. maybe i should, but with how i feel, I dont think i can console a person right now.. and he's crazy if he wants to hear from me.. and.. yeah, hey, the cherry on the cake - I cant stop thinking about him. I know its over, i know i said it. and i mean it too, and i know this will take so long.. but I dont know how to distract my mind. how many movies can i damn well watch.. I cant keep doing this. Because when i go to sleep at night, its there, the thought - again. Obviously it doesnt mean I've changed my mind because I cant be with someone who hurts me, and not only but doesnt even realise their doing it - even after me pointing it out a thousand times. saying sorry, and feeling sorry are two different things...

so i guess i just dont know what to do, Im lost. and this hurts. How could this week get any... where.. its been such.. such a tough week.. argh.. I want to get away from anyone and everyone for a long... long time. I want to leave, go to a place where there isnt another human to be seen..

The Life You Take Away

So we all have a bad day, everyone ones thinks to self, even death would work better. But think again, would it really? would you really rather die? It isnt about your family or friends or beloved, they'll move on some day, but thats it. the end. thats all there is for you..

Have you ever wondered, can you even imagine the amount of pain a person would have been through to be able to hang yourself to death? can you just imagine how they must be feeling... there is feeling pain, and then there is taking action towards it. Or imagine walking in on your brother, dead. Imagine waking up a morning only to find out your friend just hung himself. your son is dead.

Its this awkward feeling, when your walking down the hall of your school looking at people. there are those who are upset and crying, and then those that are hearless enough to make fun of them. Then theres those who didnt know the guy, but still feel bad. do you talk to someone? do u console them? do you just walk away...?

Its just impossible to look around and see all those places where you saw him. his friends. Like you just saw him last week so how could it be... you just never saw it coming... should you just leave everyone alone or be with them? why did it have to happen? so many questions left unanswered. It makes you want to just drop down and sit there... sit there for ever. While at the same time, you dont ever want to be mean to a person, you want to call everyone you know and say Hi.. ask them to take care..

He wont ever come back. People will move on, they cry, then they get over it. if not now, then later. Everyone will have a life, a partner a job a family... but what about his life, his partner, his job... his family... what about Him.. is that the end? will he never get to see tomorrow? thats a bit unfair, dont you think? Why couldnt he talk to someone... was he really going through something so painful, painful enough to end it forever? To do something like that, you'd have to be feeling really strongly about things.

You just wish someone would have said something, consoled him at the right time.. what do you do? do you just move on with life, knowing that someone is gone forever? and they wont be back.. not in 20 years, not in 50, not in 100 not ever. Someone so talanted, so amazing... how do you stop yourself from seeing him everywhere? how do you look at places he would be at, and not still picture him there? Why do i feel like this week only gets worst.

2 In a row, if only someone could promise you those would be the last 2 people. Would that mean you'd feel any better? would you forget about them? why cant we have a back up life, incase we change our mind. Everybody makes a mistake, if "god" is our "father"... why not forgive the mistake...

Will you forget tomorrow, and move on? have you ever? Will I, will we? Will they? As much as it affected so many lifes, yet, it hasnt affected much at all. We still have a world, school's still open, assigments are still due, people still eat and breath, it still rains and the sun still shines. why? how could it? Didnt he mean anything?..

.. I wish I knew.. I wish someone had stopped him.. I wish they'd lived.. I wish many wishes to save him and wish him to be okay. If only our wishes came true, Id wish for never another bird to fall.. not now, not ever. Not because you ran out of clouds you enjoy flying through..

The Why

Why I Should Call Him

1. I would get to be the "bigger person" my mom's always talking about.

2. He might feel like an idiot and realise how badly he's treated me when
he hear's my side.

3. I'd actualy like to make up before he leaves.

4. I miss him...


Why I Shouldn't Call Him

1. I dont really get the whole bigger-person thing - i just know I'm not
wrong this time.

2. He can't just be a jerk to me and get away with it, every time.

3. I shouldn't have to beg him to understand it from my side..

4. Doesn't he miss me too? :-(

All Quiet On The Western Front

I need a break.. from my homework.

The other day in class, we were talking.. English Studies that is (yeah, I must have been out of my brains to take the hard English.. the one with the exams!) but I have Mr.Brayshaw as a teacher so I think its well worth it. He's amazing. And we're reading All Quiet on the Western Front... regarding the book, there was a question held up in the middle of the lesson... something i thought i wanted to write more about...

Soldiors dont react the way we do to death, because they've seen it happen so many times. Does that mean Violence on TV affects us?

My 1st reaction was... "i dunno?!" till obviously i decieded to think about it after a few people gave their answers. Such as "No because their acting," or "No because its not as real as real life i had my friend slowly die in a hospital and one of them commite suciside as someone walked in on them doing it but they still died.. so nothing wil ever be as affective as that. Defenately not TV"... yeah, someone actualy said that! I wasnt sure if they were trying to prove a point or get sympathy. Surley didnt get any of it from me. Oh there was a girl who also said, "No it wouldnt... i mean, we see small violence here every now and then. someone punching someone. it happens all the time but everytime it happens we get just as effected as the one before..." I seriously just sat there going 'o-k...' Fine i understand trying to "bring your messege across" but god has anyone ever heard of THINK before you SAY it.. maybe try and form a SENTENCE in your head too and see how it might come out? Try it. It can help.

As for me, i didnt say anything then because if I would have, I'd have ended up contradicting myself. Or saying something and then going... but then again... ... and I'm not sure we had time for that. I couldnt just sit there and go "yes" or "no". I dont see things as Black and White all the time. Theres more to it then that.

But, has anyone ever cried during a movie? yeah? (dont worry, so have I.) Do you have a 'favourite' movie?.. or a favourite scene? or have you ever had a situation in life that is simmilar to a movie you saw, and you think back at what they did?.. and why is that? Would it be because it affected you? Knowing the person was just purley acting, not dying in real life or not in pain in reality and not feeling any of those emotions off stage... it still got to you. It made you cry or made you think enough for it to be in your Favourites. Anything you think about, affects you... you remember it. Its in your memory, and you will think about it time to time. Anyone reading this who's done Psychology will know that if you think or observe something over 60 seconds, your more likely to remember it later. Movies, they go on for hours! And yes they do affect us.. our favourite actors movies scenes... they all get to us. We watch them to be entertained... but thats not the only thing it does. It teaches us things too. Same with books, stories... everything you think about or notice becomes a part of your life, like it or not.

So the same way, if your walking to school and you see 2 men fighting. Not with words, but hands and physically fighting. You will freak out a little and keep walking hoping they dont hurt you. You might even think about it for the whole day, or more. Think about having the same morning walking to school seeing them fighting for another month. The same thing... and "majority" of you will stop reacting to it. You will just avoide any contact and walk away without really thinking anything but "here we go again!" or for all you know, you might not even notice. But suddenly if the next day oneof them cuts the others' hands off... you will react compleatly different.. because its something your not use to seeing. Something you havnt seen before and once again you will freak out! Get scared too.. maybe get help if your a nice person. So that just means your not yet use to the blood and pain, just them fighting like maniacs.. But you did get use to something after watching it happen for a month, didnt you?

But then again, If I saw someone die.. and then a new person die every day for a month (I hope that never happens to anyone) would I be use to seeing them die? Are doctors use to it? What about those people in the 'funeral business'? I dont know. But I'd love to find out... It's just I'm not sure there's a single answer to it. I really dont know if its as easy as Yes or No.

But going back to the Soldiors.... they saw it happen not a month but months and months infront of their eyes... so they did get use to it... do those facts point to a yes we get use to something no matter how bad, if we see it long enough?' Does violence really affect us in such a way?