My Joural

For the 1st time, This isnt about people reading my blog.. I just felt like writting down my mind.. anyone who loves writting will realise how relaxed you feel after writting down exactely how you feel and knowing its 'out there'. Oh, and if your wondering about the colours.. well i'm just really feeling gurlie today.. and if not the words.. atleast i wanted the colours to be cute and happy.
And last thing, I'd like it if no-one left any comments on this piece.. I dont feel like hearing what people have to say for it.. Thankyou,

So here it goes,

For the past 3 days, I have been in such a.. weird condition. I hadnt even left my house! And when i say i hadnt left my house.. i mean it to such an extent that I didnt even go outside enough to throw the rubbish out, answer the door, look out the window.. nada. I just havnt been feeling up to it. My school starts in less then 48 hours and I havnt even finished a single assigment, Im sick and Im upset. Thats great isnt it. what a way to start a new term!

I dont even know what Im wondering.. am i .. regretting ever meeting this person.. even though i'v had good times would i rather have never met them or.. am i hoping things will get better betwen us? I dont know. I feel like I'm pissed off.. yet not pissed off.. I know I'm thinking about them most the day, but at the end when i look back and wonder what I was thinking all day.. I'm not so sure atall..

You just wonder if this was ever true atall or not.. i mean, how can a person that says would die for you, let you go through hell all alone.. it must just be a lie. Thoughts like, maybe this was all planned for something.. or did you make a mistake by treating them like they were a part of you.. telling them things you wouldnt tell anyone else because their things that only you know.. was that a mistake.. is it what pushed them away.. knowing these things about you.. was it ever even real.. were they ever going to be here atall.. was this all just some crazy thing while over there they had a real thing all along.. but then why spend so much time on a crazy thing when you've got the 'real thing' for you.. are they sick of you and wonder what they ever saw.. or did they just realise it was never meant to be.. did they meet someone who fills in the gaps that were missing because of you.. which makes her better.. you wonder are you just going insane or were you insane all this time.. it's got to be one.. either you've gone mad now, or you just started seeing the truth.. which one? If I knew, i wouldnt wonder atall.

After 3 days i finally went for a walk today, with my grandmum to see Euro.. and i felt a little better.. even though my head felt like it was going to explode any moment and I had to keep my arms crossed to stop it from hurting.. I still felt so much better.. and yes, that was better compared to how i felt inside. I hadnt taken in fresh air for so long that i didnt want to stop walking but i realised i had to because i was sick and i shouldnt exhaust myself. But even while walking... the whole time.. I was thinking about them.. but i dont know what? It was as if i was thinking about thinking about them... you know what i mean? Okay if i had to write down every thought I had, it would be something like this...

Huh.. breath..just.. breath in deep... this weather is cold and breeze and thats good.. he likes that.. but you dont care.. should i wonder what he's thinking.. should i think about him..no.. i think i'll just look at these flowers and think about their colour and.. oh hey red.. should i stop myself from thinking he likes red.. okay thats it.. take another deep breath.. i wonder if I'm still wondering about him.. what if i stop my mind for a single second and stop thinking all this.. what am i really thinking about? is it him? I hope not. I dont think i've thought about him atall this whole time I've been walking.. Im just..relaxed.. I need to write.. but Im good right now.. i feel nice.. good weather.. and its good to not be thinking about him for awhile.. i mean why should i.. its not like he's thinking about me.. should i wonder what he's thinking of right now? no..that would be bad.. oh.. cold.. its cold now.. not as cold as its there.. but i'm not going to let myself wonder if he will like it in this weather.. people.. babies.. atleast you can see people here today.. nature.. it really is beautiful isnt it.. and thats one hot car..and an old guy in it.. why am i still thinking about him? its like.. im making myself notice other things so i can push his thoughts away where as im really just.. thinking... of him..

Now if thats not weiiirrrddd... then what is? honestly, thats some crazy thoughts. Then i got there and saw Euro and he seemed so happy to see him that I promised him he was the only guy in my life from now on. He would be priority and i love him... and Im sorry, but that is sad!

Ugh after that, I did the stupedest thing.. I was replying to someone.. someone who wasnt well and I was supose to babysit her daughter tonight and I sent it to Them instead!! Honestly, I'm just so use to going to their name after typing an sms that i sent it.. and i tried to cancel it half way but that doesnt work. So it sent. Then i thought i'd send another sms and i sent one saying it wasnt for them... and i never got a reply. And you know.. it just.. it was weird. 1st i didnt care i just thought you know what, fine.. i'd rather go through this once and for all then go through it every few weeks.. but then.. i had the worst thought ever and it .. it just made my head hurt even more. I turned the TV on went through different channels just.. doing anything I can to get rid of the thought.. what was it? Well.. what if i didnt get a reply because they wernt alone... like 8.30 in the morning.. and maybe they werent alone.. or.. or if it wasnt that.. then maybe they just thought it wasnt important to reply because they were over this already.. but for some reason, the thought i wanted out of my head just wouldnt leave.. I kept thinking and thinking about it. Like i know I'm just staring at random things so that i can keep my mind away but deep down inside its obvious it isnt working.

3 whole days.. do you really think a person who hasnt thought about you tried to contact you in any way still loves you? heh.. right. "ofcourse".. I guess then you are just better off thinking they've got someone. or over you.. but what annoys me is why do people have to be so immature and not SAY it.. so that the other person atleast KNOWS its true. it hurts i know but i can take that as long as i know the truth.

it defenately couldnt be because their "busy"...yeaah.. busy doing what i dont want to know. you cant go from party-guy out all night to library studying in a week. You wonder why the hell you punish yourself by staying in and tauchering yourself when the other person doesnt give a damn and is having fun and doesnt botther how you are.. girls like me.. really need to change.

It is just so damn frustrating when every dish, every movie, every song, every colour every other word every conversation every photo every climate reminds you of them. Doesnt help. You just hate it so much you want it to go away because you dont think a person can love you and still let you go through this all alone.. and hence, after giving it alot of thought, I came to a decision.. that even though this hurts more then anything, I'll get through it, without any one's help on my own, and make sure I remember it as a lesson..

So now I'm sick, I cant shout (thats bad) I cant walk too much, this typing has taken me over an hour! I've got tuns of homework.. and I start school In less then 2 days. Only I could get in a mess like this without even trying for it.. It's true.. I mean all this time you always try and get your priorities right and you try and study but you cant because you want to talk to them.. and then they make a decision.. and put it into action like it was never a big deal atall to swap priorities around and it was a piece of cake and your left their thinking..
"So.. I was the emotinal Idiot in this was i?"

Who ever said I'm in love? I'm not.. This isnt.. I deny it.. I'm not in love.. I'm in pain..

Life Of A Sales Girl..

I've been thinking about this for a month, i just never wrote on it... you know what, i think a life of a sales girl is... pritty sad.. not as in pethetic.. but sad as in can be upsetting. Well, unless ofcourse your a fuckin' WHORE working SUPRE! God do i hate those girls.. honestly, they look like barbie trying to sell cool.. sluts. except none of them have a barbie smile. they look like they're always on a 'If i try and be a bitch long enough to all these customers and not eat another 6 days so i can look cool... maybe ill win!' contract..(so so glad this page is password protected) anyway, unless your 'you know who', no-body notices you. i mean it. no-one.. and its sad. Its like just because your standing behind the counter, you dont deserve to be smilled back at, or wait, if your lucky they might just look at you.


people just come into the store, look around and walk off. and others walking by the store.. they just look at everything around you and where you are, and walk past. honestly, not a look. whats with that? i actualy smilled at every person who walked by, and i was lucky if they looked at me once maybe, and that too wasnt a 'hi' look, it was a blank look. like their looking ad a plain white wall with nothing on it. when your working long hours, its the last thing you want. specially when someone walks into the store and you smile and say 'hi' and they just turn around in the opposite direction, or they will smile back, and nod, without even looking up at you. oooh but hey, if their going to be BUYING something, bloody losers deciede to talk to you so they can try and get a DISCOUNT! yeah right!


and after it happend to me so many times... I gave it a thought, just... went back to my memories of all the times id walked into a store that wasnt a 'you know what'... and, oh my god. i dont remember looking up at the sales girl too often or talking to them. once every few months yeah id look at one and smile.. or talk to them when i had a question.. but other then that, it was just - nope. you dont exist. and i felt really very bad..


P.S. so, i'd just like to say to everyone who read this, weather you've had it happen to you or not... even if the girl behind the counter acts like a bitch... be nice, give her a smile. say hi, ask her how her sales have been... she's probably just having a boring day and no sale so she might sound bitchy... unless course your at 'you know what' huh yeah uh well then..just WALK STRAIGHT PAST those.. those.. girls! (I'm trying to cut down on the swearing.)


P.P.S. lol another thing, just because i'v asked you to smile and talk to her, i dont want guys to start flirting with the sales girl. please.. you know, 'talk' maybe. like a friendly one. not a flirty one.. lol and then come and say "but you said talk to her.." no, thats lame. SPECIALLY if you have a girlfriend. It's such a NO-NO. And i can talk, i AM one! *Gives a day dreamy smile..* huh? who said what about sales girls? Sorry, I was so.. lost.. in He-Lives-Next-Door Land.. :-)

But really, be nice :-) what goes around, comes around.

[This is originally from my Website, it was written a few days ago, and since my friends seemed to like it alot, i added it on my Blog!]

Sex

I know, alot of you's will tell me after reading this, why so many things about 'Sex' Tina? But really, even if i had just a blog on Sex, why would it be a big deal? Its a way to show your love... isnt it. It aint a crime, its something quiet natural. But, apart from all those facts, what I'm going to be writting today, has nothing to do with how wonderful making love is. Or how wonderful it would be... its about knowing when the right time is. Alot of people learn it the hard way, but sometimes, you might just want to have another thought about wether you really want to learn this the 'hard way'.

I just had a thought the other day.. and i really wanted to write on it. you know when you lose your virginity, it's always said that it should be with someone special.. is that only because they want your 1st time to be wroth while and meaningfull? no.. that couldnt possibly be the only reason.

So many people believe that it isnt necessery it should be with a person your going to spend forever and ever and ever with, but it should be with someone that means alot to you, and even though you might not marry them, you should know them well and you truth them.. and its love. a feeling you have for them.. not just lust. and you know they wont ever bitray you. I know why that is, because once you lose it.. its gone. the 1st time you have sex hence is very important, specially to a girl because we think more about how 'important' it is and not so desperate about having that 'feeling'. Its an experiance you will remember for the rest of your life. a moment, a truth you just have to live with. 20-30 Years from then, when you look back and think about your 1st time, you'll always remember that guy... that one guy you had sex with. Now if he's a jerk, or if you 2 broke up in a bad way, you will be hurt for the rest of your life because you'll regret losing it to him.
As 'advanced' as you may be, your still going to feel that hurt when you think about what a mistake you made because it could have been with someone who wouldnt have hurt you if only you didnt rush it.

And i know, when your going out with a guy, he just seems like the most amazing person in the world.. you know, he's "the" one.. he's different. No matter what your friends and parents and elders say, you just know he isnt like every other guy... right. So you never really know if he will end up hurting you or not.. its a really hard judjement to make. But think about it, Once you've had it, you can have it again and again and again and it really isnt the '1st' time anymore. its not the one your going to remember forever... and do you really want to remember a jerk that hurt you when you think about something in the past that was meant to be so beautiful?

For example, when your a young girl, lets say between 12-15, or infact even before 12.. all the crushes you had on guys, any boyfriends you had.. basically, all the realtionships you've had in the past, where it was just likeness and you were still a virgin, no matter how many times you had a new boyfriend or how many break up's you went through, 2-3 years from then, when you look back.. you wont have any bitterness for the guy.. you wont absautly hate him and maybe you'll be able to smile when you think back at what things were like... why? Because you both had fun and then you both had bad times but.. at the end of it.. you know you didnt lose anything.. it was all fun and games and none of you's had anything to hate each other by.

But geez, if he was your 1st, as in the 1st guy you had sex with, and then you both broke up no matter what it was over.. even 10 years from then when you look back, you'll always have that feeling.. that bitterness.. the "god what did i do.. he wasnt worth it" feeling.. and, i guess most people that love and care about you, just want you to never feel that way... because maybe it can hurt. I mean, i surely havnt experianced it but i did give it a thought, and it made sense. so its not like "no sex before marriage" or anything, but... yeah, defenately gotta be someone you trust with everything you have, and you know he loves and cares about you more then anything and he'll stick around for you..

Thanks for reading,
Tina

P.S. i just want to add, that people do make such mistakes, and they dont realise it and it really isnt their fault alot of times... things happen, even though we dont want them to, and dispite of what happens to them, their friends will always love them for who they are and be there for them because.. thats what friends are for. You cant erase your mistakes, but you can learn from them..