My Joural
For the 1st time, This isnt about people reading my blog.. I just felt like writting down my mind.. anyone who loves writting will realise how relaxed you feel after writting down exactely how you feel and knowing its 'out there'. Oh, and if your wondering about the colours.. well i'm just really feeling gurlie today.. and if not the words.. atleast i wanted the colours to be cute and happy.
And last thing, I'd like it if no-one left any comments on this piece.. I dont feel like hearing what people have to say for it.. Thankyou,
So here it goes,
For the past 3 days, I have been in such a.. weird condition. I hadnt even left my house! And when i say i hadnt left my house.. i mean it to such an extent that I didnt even go outside enough to throw the rubbish out, answer the door, look out the window.. nada. I just havnt been feeling up to it. My school starts in less then 48 hours and I havnt even finished a single assigment, Im sick and Im upset. Thats great isnt it. what a way to start a new term!
I dont even know what Im wondering.. am i .. regretting ever meeting this person.. even though i'v had good times would i rather have never met them or.. am i hoping things will get better betwen us? I dont know. I feel like I'm pissed off.. yet not pissed off.. I know I'm thinking about them most the day, but at the end when i look back and wonder what I was thinking all day.. I'm not so sure atall..
You just wonder if this was ever true atall or not.. i mean, how can a person that says would die for you, let you go through hell all alone.. it must just be a lie. Thoughts like, maybe this was all planned for something.. or did you make a mistake by treating them like they were a part of you.. telling them things you wouldnt tell anyone else because their things that only you know.. was that a mistake.. is it what pushed them away.. knowing these things about you.. was it ever even real.. were they ever going to be here atall.. was this all just some crazy thing while over there they had a real thing all along.. but then why spend so much time on a crazy thing when you've got the 'real thing' for you.. are they sick of you and wonder what they ever saw.. or did they just realise it was never meant to be.. did they meet someone who fills in the gaps that were missing because of you.. which makes her better.. you wonder are you just going insane or were you insane all this time.. it's got to be one.. either you've gone mad now, or you just started seeing the truth.. which one? If I knew, i wouldnt wonder atall.
After 3 days i finally went for a walk today, with my grandmum to see Euro.. and i felt a little better.. even though my head felt like it was going to explode any moment and I had to keep my arms crossed to stop it from hurting.. I still felt so much better.. and yes, that was better compared to how i felt inside. I hadnt taken in fresh air for so long that i didnt want to stop walking but i realised i had to because i was sick and i shouldnt exhaust myself. But even while walking... the whole time.. I was thinking about them.. but i dont know what? It was as if i was thinking about thinking about them... you know what i mean? Okay if i had to write down every thought I had, it would be something like this...
Huh.. breath..just.. breath in deep... this weather is cold and breeze and thats good.. he likes that.. but you dont care.. should i wonder what he's thinking.. should i think about him..no.. i think i'll just look at these flowers and think about their colour and.. oh hey red.. should i stop myself from thinking he likes red.. okay thats it.. take another deep breath.. i wonder if I'm still wondering about him.. what if i stop my mind for a single second and stop thinking all this.. what am i really thinking about? is it him? I hope not. I dont think i've thought about him atall this whole time I've been walking.. Im just..relaxed.. I need to write.. but Im good right now.. i feel nice.. good weather.. and its good to not be thinking about him for awhile.. i mean why should i.. its not like he's thinking about me.. should i wonder what he's thinking of right now? no..that would be bad.. oh.. cold.. its cold now.. not as cold as its there.. but i'm not going to let myself wonder if he will like it in this weather.. people.. babies.. atleast you can see people here today.. nature.. it really is beautiful isnt it.. and thats one hot car..and an old guy in it.. why am i still thinking about him? its like.. im making myself notice other things so i can push his thoughts away where as im really just.. thinking... of him..
Now if thats not weiiirrrddd... then what is? honestly, thats some crazy thoughts. Then i got there and saw Euro and he seemed so happy to see him that I promised him he was the only guy in my life from now on. He would be priority and i love him... and Im sorry, but that is sad!
Ugh after that, I did the stupedest thing.. I was replying to someone.. someone who wasnt well and I was supose to babysit her daughter tonight and I sent it to Them instead!! Honestly, I'm just so use to going to their name after typing an sms that i sent it.. and i tried to cancel it half way but that doesnt work. So it sent. Then i thought i'd send another sms and i sent one saying it wasnt for them... and i never got a reply. And you know.. it just.. it was weird. 1st i didnt care i just thought you know what, fine.. i'd rather go through this once and for all then go through it every few weeks.. but then.. i had the worst thought ever and it .. it just made my head hurt even more. I turned the TV on went through different channels just.. doing anything I can to get rid of the thought.. what was it? Well.. what if i didnt get a reply because they wernt alone... like 8.30 in the morning.. and maybe they werent alone.. or.. or if it wasnt that.. then maybe they just thought it wasnt important to reply because they were over this already.. but for some reason, the thought i wanted out of my head just wouldnt leave.. I kept thinking and thinking about it. Like i know I'm just staring at random things so that i can keep my mind away but deep down inside its obvious it isnt working.
3 whole days.. do you really think a person who hasnt thought about you tried to contact you in any way still loves you? heh.. right. "ofcourse".. I guess then you are just better off thinking they've got someone. or over you.. but what annoys me is why do people have to be so immature and not SAY it.. so that the other person atleast KNOWS its true. it hurts i know but i can take that as long as i know the truth.
it defenately couldnt be because their "busy"...yeaah.. busy doing what i dont want to know. you cant go from party-guy out all night to library studying in a week. You wonder why the hell you punish yourself by staying in and tauchering yourself when the other person doesnt give a damn and is having fun and doesnt botther how you are.. girls like me.. really need to change.
It is just so damn frustrating when every dish, every movie, every song, every colour every other word every conversation every photo every climate reminds you of them. Doesnt help. You just hate it so much you want it to go away because you dont think a person can love you and still let you go through this all alone.. and hence, after giving it alot of thought, I came to a decision.. that even though this hurts more then anything, I'll get through it, without any one's help on my own, and make sure I remember it as a lesson..
So now I'm sick, I cant shout (thats bad) I cant walk too much, this typing has taken me over an hour! I've got tuns of homework.. and I start school In less then 2 days. Only I could get in a mess like this without even trying for it.. It's true.. I mean all this time you always try and get your priorities right and you try and study but you cant because you want to talk to them.. and then they make a decision.. and put it into action like it was never a big deal atall to swap priorities around and it was a piece of cake and your left their thinking..
"So.. I was the emotinal Idiot in this was i?"
Who ever said I'm in love? I'm not.. This isnt.. I deny it.. I'm not in love.. I'm in pain..
And last thing, I'd like it if no-one left any comments on this piece.. I dont feel like hearing what people have to say for it.. Thankyou,
So here it goes,
For the past 3 days, I have been in such a.. weird condition. I hadnt even left my house! And when i say i hadnt left my house.. i mean it to such an extent that I didnt even go outside enough to throw the rubbish out, answer the door, look out the window.. nada. I just havnt been feeling up to it. My school starts in less then 48 hours and I havnt even finished a single assigment, Im sick and Im upset. Thats great isnt it. what a way to start a new term!
I dont even know what Im wondering.. am i .. regretting ever meeting this person.. even though i'v had good times would i rather have never met them or.. am i hoping things will get better betwen us? I dont know. I feel like I'm pissed off.. yet not pissed off.. I know I'm thinking about them most the day, but at the end when i look back and wonder what I was thinking all day.. I'm not so sure atall..
You just wonder if this was ever true atall or not.. i mean, how can a person that says would die for you, let you go through hell all alone.. it must just be a lie. Thoughts like, maybe this was all planned for something.. or did you make a mistake by treating them like they were a part of you.. telling them things you wouldnt tell anyone else because their things that only you know.. was that a mistake.. is it what pushed them away.. knowing these things about you.. was it ever even real.. were they ever going to be here atall.. was this all just some crazy thing while over there they had a real thing all along.. but then why spend so much time on a crazy thing when you've got the 'real thing' for you.. are they sick of you and wonder what they ever saw.. or did they just realise it was never meant to be.. did they meet someone who fills in the gaps that were missing because of you.. which makes her better.. you wonder are you just going insane or were you insane all this time.. it's got to be one.. either you've gone mad now, or you just started seeing the truth.. which one? If I knew, i wouldnt wonder atall.
After 3 days i finally went for a walk today, with my grandmum to see Euro.. and i felt a little better.. even though my head felt like it was going to explode any moment and I had to keep my arms crossed to stop it from hurting.. I still felt so much better.. and yes, that was better compared to how i felt inside. I hadnt taken in fresh air for so long that i didnt want to stop walking but i realised i had to because i was sick and i shouldnt exhaust myself. But even while walking... the whole time.. I was thinking about them.. but i dont know what? It was as if i was thinking about thinking about them... you know what i mean? Okay if i had to write down every thought I had, it would be something like this...
Huh.. breath..just.. breath in deep... this weather is cold and breeze and thats good.. he likes that.. but you dont care.. should i wonder what he's thinking.. should i think about him..no.. i think i'll just look at these flowers and think about their colour and.. oh hey red.. should i stop myself from thinking he likes red.. okay thats it.. take another deep breath.. i wonder if I'm still wondering about him.. what if i stop my mind for a single second and stop thinking all this.. what am i really thinking about? is it him? I hope not. I dont think i've thought about him atall this whole time I've been walking.. Im just..relaxed.. I need to write.. but Im good right now.. i feel nice.. good weather.. and its good to not be thinking about him for awhile.. i mean why should i.. its not like he's thinking about me.. should i wonder what he's thinking of right now? no..that would be bad.. oh.. cold.. its cold now.. not as cold as its there.. but i'm not going to let myself wonder if he will like it in this weather.. people.. babies.. atleast you can see people here today.. nature.. it really is beautiful isnt it.. and thats one hot car..and an old guy in it.. why am i still thinking about him? its like.. im making myself notice other things so i can push his thoughts away where as im really just.. thinking... of him..
Now if thats not weiiirrrddd... then what is? honestly, thats some crazy thoughts. Then i got there and saw Euro and he seemed so happy to see him that I promised him he was the only guy in my life from now on. He would be priority and i love him... and Im sorry, but that is sad!
Ugh after that, I did the stupedest thing.. I was replying to someone.. someone who wasnt well and I was supose to babysit her daughter tonight and I sent it to Them instead!! Honestly, I'm just so use to going to their name after typing an sms that i sent it.. and i tried to cancel it half way but that doesnt work. So it sent. Then i thought i'd send another sms and i sent one saying it wasnt for them... and i never got a reply. And you know.. it just.. it was weird. 1st i didnt care i just thought you know what, fine.. i'd rather go through this once and for all then go through it every few weeks.. but then.. i had the worst thought ever and it .. it just made my head hurt even more. I turned the TV on went through different channels just.. doing anything I can to get rid of the thought.. what was it? Well.. what if i didnt get a reply because they wernt alone... like 8.30 in the morning.. and maybe they werent alone.. or.. or if it wasnt that.. then maybe they just thought it wasnt important to reply because they were over this already.. but for some reason, the thought i wanted out of my head just wouldnt leave.. I kept thinking and thinking about it. Like i know I'm just staring at random things so that i can keep my mind away but deep down inside its obvious it isnt working.
3 whole days.. do you really think a person who hasnt thought about you tried to contact you in any way still loves you? heh.. right. "ofcourse".. I guess then you are just better off thinking they've got someone. or over you.. but what annoys me is why do people have to be so immature and not SAY it.. so that the other person atleast KNOWS its true. it hurts i know but i can take that as long as i know the truth.
it defenately couldnt be because their "busy"...yeaah.. busy doing what i dont want to know. you cant go from party-guy out all night to library studying in a week. You wonder why the hell you punish yourself by staying in and tauchering yourself when the other person doesnt give a damn and is having fun and doesnt botther how you are.. girls like me.. really need to change.
It is just so damn frustrating when every dish, every movie, every song, every colour every other word every conversation every photo every climate reminds you of them. Doesnt help. You just hate it so much you want it to go away because you dont think a person can love you and still let you go through this all alone.. and hence, after giving it alot of thought, I came to a decision.. that even though this hurts more then anything, I'll get through it, without any one's help on my own, and make sure I remember it as a lesson..
So now I'm sick, I cant shout (thats bad) I cant walk too much, this typing has taken me over an hour! I've got tuns of homework.. and I start school In less then 2 days. Only I could get in a mess like this without even trying for it.. It's true.. I mean all this time you always try and get your priorities right and you try and study but you cant because you want to talk to them.. and then they make a decision.. and put it into action like it was never a big deal atall to swap priorities around and it was a piece of cake and your left their thinking..
"So.. I was the emotinal Idiot in this was i?"
Who ever said I'm in love? I'm not.. This isnt.. I deny it.. I'm not in love.. I'm in pain..
posted by Tina at 5:37 PM
1 Comments:
hey tina... well i will like to tell u some thing... if some body says to u tht i can die for u that dosent mean they love u... its one of the stupidiest lines.. ever..... u r still so young... u should be concentrating on ur future.... all this is not gonna give u ny thing except the tensions....tensions and tensions.... tina do the best u can do in ur life and true love will find u... but if its there for u... ny where....in this world... hope u understand by what i meant...well i hope u dnt think about it now... or if there is ny thing still going on in ur mind.... u know whom u can talk with... ny time.... will be really happy to talk with u....
Post a Comment
<< Home